How to Dress When You're the Problem

If you're gonna ruin everyone's night, you'd better be dressed like Petra von Kant.

Hi! I’ve had a hard start to the new year, honestly, but things are looking up (ish) after a shaky few days—if you’ve liked my reporting work in the past, I’m now the News Editor at Haloscope and you can check out my first report of the year here on restaurant merch, fisherman style, and more (I’d appreciate it so much if you could show it a little love on IG, too!). I love the magazine (rare for me right now—it has some truly amazing fragrance reportage), and am happy to be exercising my News Editor chops once again.

I’m waiting on some more projects to come through and job offers to manifest, so please keep me in your most benevolent thoughts. In the meantime, to assuage my embarrassment over starting the year in a tizzy, here are some incredible fit tips inspired by seven movie characters who have, create, and simply *are* problems, from Petra von Kant to Diana Ross’ Tracy Chambers and beyond. I try not to light fires through my and others’ lives like these weirdos do, but I’m forever comforted by their antics and reassured that I am not the worst I could be! Much love to you and don’t forget that it is always better to seek help than suffer in silence—though this week was rough, I’m exceedingly proud of myself for always putting that tenet into practice.

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Costume designer David C. Robinson was ENTRENCHED in his bag throughout Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Lindsay Lohan’s iconic first look in the film is predicated upon attention to detail: thin, filmy chains on her bottle cap necklace, a tight raglan t-shirt with what looks like a hand-cut collar that swoops under the shallower collar of the fishnet over-shirt, ripped carefully over the heart in I <3 NY. The outfit is painfully deliberate, but sometimes that kind of heavy-handedness is refreshing in a scene where insouciance is a top value and the art of visual storytelling is eschewed in favor of obsessive subtlety.

Ignoring the unnecessary bindi, a Scroogeian shirt dress and wire-rim spectacles with what seem to be brocade slippers tucked away in the corner comprise a simple, comfortable, compelling look that’s a great option in warmer months for those whose aesthetics tend toward the wintry. Covered-up but crisp and lightweight—this is an intellectual’s summer fit.

This might seem like. pretty straightforward 2004 fit, but wait… IS THAT A VICTORIAN-STYLE HAND BELT slung low over Lindsay’s already-ultra-low-rise spangled pants??? Like the kind

Viv Chen

has repeatedly extolled the virtues of, the very object I’ve lustfully written up countless times??? IN 2004??? God, this character is so cool.

Diana Ross’ headache of a character in the 1975 film Mahogany had a special set of skills that included arguing with sexy anti-gentrification activists and wearing wide-sleeved dresses—that I believe Ross herself designed? I’m not a fan of most of Issey Miyake’s Pleats Please collections, but this chiffon does do something for me:

My favorite part of the dress, however, is the overall shape. I love a flared top with a tight, straight skirt, creating an almost mushroomy silhouette.

Not a fan of the random cultural appropriation in this iconic number, but the biggest travesty is I think it’d be just as good if it were a high-necked, bell-sleeved, embroidered brocade silk dress without any muddled aspirations toward pan-Asian iconography. The collar could have just been a turtleneck, the graphic could have been something less culturally specific, and I think the dress would have done a much better job at imparting its influences without looking costume-y. The well-chosen colors and the bulbous faux-bowl cut are unimpeachable, though.

It’s been a while since this image has graced the Esque annals (around four years!), and I still find myself thinking about it: the perfectly-fitted, horizontally-striped V-neck with the sheer, straight-cut, vertically-striped skirt is an outfit recipe I WILL recreate one day in honor of Faye Wong’s too-cute-to-be-creepy character in Chungking Express. Big leather bag and tiny, milky-rimmed oval sunglasses are not optional, rubber gloves to prevent leaving fingerprints should maybe be optional.

I’ve literally never seen a shirt (a polo?) with this kind of collar in my life, as if slit and peeled back neatly like a banana. Does anyone know what the above type of collar is called? It’s a clean variation on a polo, at the least. Also, I’m antsy for someone to inspire me to wear a backpack again—I’m really disgusted with my tote bags at this point and they’re not doing my shoulders any favors—so all backpack inspo pics very welcome to this email or Instagram. Paired with another straight-cut maxi skirt, this one seemingly of the gray jersey variety, you cannot tell Faye a damn thing.

Luckily, if you can’t find the hyper-specific offshoot of yellow polo mentioned above, a regular ol’ yellow button-down, perhaps endowed with a ditsy floral print, works nearly just as well with the same demure skirt and no-nonsense shades. No other accessories needed—another great summer look for the summer-averse that doesn’t entail anything heavy or fussy.

THIS bitch. Please watch Dhoom 2 if you haven’t, and once you’re in agreement with me that Aishwarya Rai is the closest we’ll get in our generation to a Helen of Troy-level beauty, come back here to ponder with me: is it physically possible for a single other person in the world to pull off a single one of these outfits?

I am of the controversial opinion that it is (save perhaps for that neon pink bra/striped halter monstrosity). One intimidating but straightforward recipe for a warm-weather clubbing outfit that will make you catnip to every villain (and misunderstood bad boy) within a 20-mile radius is wearing a graphic monokini under a flippy miniskirt, as demonstrated in the top three middle photos in the above collage. The fact that it’s a monokini keeps things more structurally sound and adds interest to the midsection instead of just presenting it with a Jeb Bush “please clap” (though that’s a more than valid tack as well). The easiest way to try this look would be with a bathing suit like the MNZ Emi ($153 on sale right now)—it’ll keep everything locked in AND render sweat stains moot even after hours of dancing. Etsy has incredible monokinis and bodysuits for as little as $13, Christopher Esber is a no-brainer for ones more in the lane of Rai’s completely batshit Dhoom character, and there are tons of slightly more modest/full-coverage/sporty options like this $65 LA Apparel number available in a ton of colors—the internet is your sleazy (but surprisingly practical) oyster! Can you tell I would commit many a crime for summer to be here already?

On the opposite end of the scale, both seasonally and sexually, is Jitka Novákova’s character from Věra Chytilová’s 1970 film Fruit of Paradise (Chytilová is the mastermind behind my beloved Daisies, as well!). This character, a loose take on Eve (of biblical fame) wears, like Diana Ross, a ton of cape-like and bat-winged frocks in white and scarlet, usually with scalloped hems and a cult member-like V-neck over some cutesy slingback heels.

Another bat-winged dress, this one looking like lace (the picture quality doesn’t get much better than this), seems to sport a belt? I can’t tell what’s going on here, if the belt is just in the front of the dress or if the wings are actually a cape and the belt encircles the whole dress. Either way, I miss the weird single rosette trend from a few years ago and still think adding one to a modest frock can’t hurt, perhaps pinned right to the center of the collar…

…or worn like a horn as you beg The Snake to kill you! Pick your poison! Very Suspiria (2018) vibes here, which is *ripe* with “women” who are big problems, à la Tilda Swinton:

“Winged” dresses like these always remind me of the Fashion Brand Company Manos Cloak ($195), which I have irrationally desired for years now.

The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant, a fairly depressing (but duly lesbian and vibey) 1972 film, features a titular character I’d do anything to avoid if she were to exist IRL, but I would do just as much to steal her wardrobe. Above, note the rosette again—I think it really can’t be chalked up to trend and is a perennial accessory—but more importantly, the foamy green off-the-shoulder gown. That sea green/teal, especially with a crimson accessory, is direly underutilized in fashion—when’s the last time it’s graced our screens? My mind said Amy Adams in Enchanted, but I looked it up and that dress doesn’t even come close to scratching this itch. If Molly Goddard remade this outfit for sale, I’d forgive their PR team for getting mad at me calling their dresses “frothy.” As if that’s a bad thing.

This proto-Gaultier-ian fit makes an entirely new case for pearls—I love that they drape only over the left shoulder. The real star of this almost alien-like, 20s-inflected ensemble, though, is the gray chiffon skirt strapped at intervals with lavishly printed (embroidered?) fabrics—very Athena preparing for war if “war” were gay sex. Huge wig, gunmetal eyeshadow, and coupe strongly recommended.

Our last problem is also a solver—regular Juzo Itami leading lady (and, incidentally, his wife ‘til death), the incandescent Nobuko Miyamoto (also the star of one of my top three films of all time, Tampopo) stars in Supermarket Woman (1996) as a delightful (though mildly deranged), insightful housewife-turned-supermarket expert. I love the use of color in her looks—a red, flat-brimmed cap doesn’t give a shred of MAGA when paired with a turtleneck of the same color layered under a teal sweater. She was doing the plaid mohair scarf eons before Acne and certainly didn’t spend a lick over $30 for it (my favorite at the moment is this one for $25), matching it with ankle-length plaid trousers to show off her kicks—I think she’d love Sambas and Gazelles, actually.

Cryptid photo :-)

My last look for you today is this one, wherein Miyamoto keeps the crimson turtleneck but swaps out a fuzzy, butter-yellow cardigan for the teal—I’m REALLY loving ketchup-and-mustard color combos lately (chalk it up to Playmobil-core) and the little halo of frizz coming off the sweater just exudes the coziness I’m craving at this time of year. If I’m going to be unhinged, I want to at least look soft and snuggly.

Thanks for being here in 2025. Much love to you and yours.

<3 ESK